11-08-2006, 08:16 PM
An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, finally release a study proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US team goes in, does their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian scientists go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."
A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."
Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV.
A man is showing his friends around his new apartment. One of them asks, "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds, "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." / "But where?" / He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From the other side of the wall, somebody yells, "It's 2AM! A good time to drive nails into a wall, isn't it, you bastard?"
Five precepts of the Soviet intellectual: Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."
"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
A man is negotiating to buy a refrigerator, and is told to expect delivery "in ten years, on a friday." The man replies "Oh no, not then, that's when the plumber is coming!"
When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch".
Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to stop the inflation. / ―Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it held back...and jailed.
A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."
Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV.
A man is showing his friends around his new apartment. One of them asks, "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds, "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." / "But where?" / He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From the other side of the wall, somebody yells, "It's 2AM! A good time to drive nails into a wall, isn't it, you bastard?"
Five precepts of the Soviet intellectual: Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."
"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
A man is negotiating to buy a refrigerator, and is told to expect delivery "in ten years, on a friday." The man replies "Oh no, not then, that's when the plumber is coming!"
When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch".
Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to stop the inflation. / ―Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it held back...and jailed.
