A man explains to the Soviet authorities that he has to go to the United States to help his sick uncle. The representative of the authorities replies: "Why would not your uncle come to the Soviet Union? You can take a better care of him here." The man answers: "I said that he is sick, not stupid."
On his trip to the Soviet Union, President Kennedy saw many drunks. He asked Breznyev about it. Surprised Breznyev replied "...and there are no drunks in the US, in NYC?" "No" answered Kennedy. "When you come to NYC, you may shoot first three drunks you see." After 6 months, Breznyev came to NYC, and walked out of the Soviet embassy. He shot first three drunks he saw, and came back, and went to sleep. When he waked up next day, he read in the New York Times "A bald, short gangster shot three employees of the Soviet embassy."
In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments..." Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"
A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dhzierhzynsky to let the delegation go. Dhzierhzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."
And some more:
It is the October anniversary march. Old-age pensioner Rabinovich comes out with a placard saying: "We thank Comrade Stalin for our happy childhood." A Chekist and a Party organizer rush up to him and say, "Have you gone mad? What childhood, old man? When you were a kid, Comrade Stalin wasn't even born!". To which Rabinovich replied: "That's exactly what I want to thank him for".
A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"
A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter. A colleague asks, "What is it you are laughing about? "Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says. "A joke? Tell me!" "Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to five years for that joke!"
A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?" "What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains. The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell. One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks. "Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?" "I coudn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."
A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience silently wonders, "What IS a horizon?"
Answer: An imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off into the distance when you try to get closer.
At a UN meeting in 1985, an American diplomat, surprised by the change from the old and ill Brezhnev, Andropov and Chernenko to the young and healthy Gorbachev, asks his Russian counterpart: "So what support does Gorbachev have in the Kremlin?" The Russian replies, "None, he walks unaided."
On his trip to the Soviet Union, President Kennedy saw many drunks. He asked Breznyev about it. Surprised Breznyev replied "...and there are no drunks in the US, in NYC?" "No" answered Kennedy. "When you come to NYC, you may shoot first three drunks you see." After 6 months, Breznyev came to NYC, and walked out of the Soviet embassy. He shot first three drunks he saw, and came back, and went to sleep. When he waked up next day, he read in the New York Times "A bald, short gangster shot three employees of the Soviet embassy."
In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments..." Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"
A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dhzierhzynsky to let the delegation go. Dhzierhzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."
And some more:
It is the October anniversary march. Old-age pensioner Rabinovich comes out with a placard saying: "We thank Comrade Stalin for our happy childhood." A Chekist and a Party organizer rush up to him and say, "Have you gone mad? What childhood, old man? When you were a kid, Comrade Stalin wasn't even born!". To which Rabinovich replied: "That's exactly what I want to thank him for".
A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"
A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter. A colleague asks, "What is it you are laughing about? "Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says. "A joke? Tell me!" "Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to five years for that joke!"
A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?" "What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains. The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell. One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks. "Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?" "I coudn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."
A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience silently wonders, "What IS a horizon?"
Answer: An imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off into the distance when you try to get closer.
At a UN meeting in 1985, an American diplomat, surprised by the change from the old and ill Brezhnev, Andropov and Chernenko to the young and healthy Gorbachev, asks his Russian counterpart: "So what support does Gorbachev have in the Kremlin?" The Russian replies, "None, he walks unaided."
