Some Soviet jokes

[Tal Inbar]

A man explains to the Soviet authorities that he has to go to the United States to help his sick uncle. The representative of the authorities replies: "Why would not your uncle come to the Soviet Union? You can take a better care of him here." The man answers: "I said that he is sick, not stupid."


On his trip to the Soviet Union, President Kennedy saw many drunks. He asked Breznyev about it. Surprised Breznyev replied "...and there are no drunks in the US, in NYC?" "No" answered Kennedy. "When you come to NYC, you may shoot first three drunks you see." After 6 months, Breznyev came to NYC, and walked out of the Soviet embassy. He shot first three drunks he saw, and came back, and went to sleep. When he waked up next day, he read in the New York Times "A bald, short gangster shot three employees of the Soviet embassy."

In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments..." Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"


A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dhzierhzynsky to let the delegation go. Dhzierhzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

And some more:

It is the October anniversary march. Old-age pensioner Rabinovich comes out with a placard saying: "We thank Comrade Stalin for our happy childhood." A Chekist and a Party organizer rush up to him and say, "Have you gone mad? What childhood, old man? When you were a kid, Comrade Stalin wasn't even born!". To which Rabinovich replied: "That's exactly what I want to thank him for".


A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"


A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter. A colleague asks, "What is it you are laughing about? "Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says. "A joke? Tell me!" "Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to five years for that joke!"


A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?" "What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains. The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell. One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks. "Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?" "I coudn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."


A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."

The audience silently wonders, "What IS a horizon?"

Answer: An imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off into the distance when you try to get closer.



At a UN meeting in 1985, an American diplomat, surprised by the change from the old and ill Brezhnev, Andropov and Chernenko to the young and healthy Gorbachev, asks his Russian counterpart: "So what support does Gorbachev have in the Kremlin?" The Russian replies, "None, he walks unaided."

[REDMAXIM2001]

These were truly good Mr Tal.

There is a big meeting of the greatest socialists leaders. Tito, Ho-Chi-Mihn, Kim-Il-Sung, etc sitting around the same table. In the honour place, of course, is Stalin, & at his right hand, Mao. Before few minutes, Mao is sleeping like a baby... Comrade Stalin shakes Mao´s arm saying “Comrade Mao, comrade Mao you cannot sleep in THIS great reunion”. Mao says: “Oh Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin, why you break my sleep... Iwas dreaming Iwas in a beautiful and big country, in which centre was the highest mountain I never saw. It climbed to the skies and it was maded with butter. And, at its top Comrade Stalin... He was... God”. “Comrade Mao don´t you know God it´s a capitalist lie???”. Mao thinks few seconds “Like butter, Comrade Stalin... like butter”.

Hungary, 1957.
Two men walk in the country side. One of them suddely falls. “Oh, my soviet comrade, what a pain... I hurt my leg, waht unlucky I am.”. “Unlucky my hungarian comrade???, you stumbled with a box full of gold coins!!!”. “Oh, what a luck, my soviet comrade. We must think about how we divide it between ourshelves”. “It´s easy, my hungarian friend: we´ll do it like good brothers”. “No no no no, soviet comrade... This time: half & half”.

Prague, summer 1968.
An indignated citizen runs shouting into Police Chief´s room “Comrade Police Chief, I´m here to expose that a swiss soldier stealed my impressive soviet gold watch!!!” “What are you saying comrade citizen? You want to tell that a SOVIET soldier stealed your impressive SWISS gold watch...”. The citizen turns his face in a terror face while saying “Oh nononono, Comrade Police Chief... YOU said that... YOU said that...”

I hope you like these.
Jokes & selfcritithism is a good way to be better.

[Tal Inbar]

More:

Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for nothing one gets only ten years


A man in Russia saves up all his money to buy a car. It takes him years. Eventually he has enough saved and he goes down to his local Lada dealer. He pays his money and asks when he can collect his car. Salesman: You can collect it in 1998.\\ Buyer: What month?
Salesman: April..
Buyer: What date?
Salesman: The 22nd.
Buyer: Morning or Afternoon?
Salesman: (getting annoyed) What difference does it make, it's 5 years away.
Buyer: But the plumber is coming in the morning ......


Gorbachev received a letter from the Byelorussian Republic requesting approval for a new Navy. He was quite puzzled, as the Republic was landlocked and didn't even have a decent lake, and queried the request .The reply soon came "Uzbekistan has a Ministry of Culture, so why can't we have a Navy?"

Stalin is giving a speech at a meeting of the Communist party. As he speaks, someone in the audience sneezes loudly. Stalin stops speaking and says “Who did it?”. Nobody answers, and Stalin says again, louder, “WHO DID IT!”. Again nobody dares to speak, so Stalin orders to the guards to take out of the room the first row of listeners and shoot them. After the noise of the shots is heard, Stalin says again: “Well, who did it?”. Again, no answer. So Stalin orders the guards to take out of the room a second row of people and to shoot them outside. After that, when Stalin asks again his question, a man from one of the back rows rises up and says: “ Well, I am sorry comrade Stalin, I did it”. Stalin looks at him and says: “Ah, yes comrade, God bless you.”

[Sergey Tamayev]

Keep 'em coming, they're great.

[Bryan]

What were the only 2 awards that Brezhnev did not recieve?
Hero-Mother and Hero City.

The responses of three Soviet leaders when the "train" of Soviet Communism stalls:
STALIN: Shoot the engineers, exile the crew, and get someone new.
KHRUSHCHEV: Pardon the crew and put them back to work.
BREZHNEV: Pull down the shades and pretend we're moving.

Two dogs are talking about how life has changed in the Soviet Union:
FIRST DOG: How are things different under Gorbachev?
SECOND DOG: Well, the chain is still too short and the food dish is still too far away to reach, but they let you bark as loud as you want.

[Tal Inbar]

A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to
the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borshch. Later he serves the
borshch to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: ``Doctor, do you
think this borshch too sweet? Can you taste sugar?''

The doctor tries it and says,``No.''

``Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have helped.''

---

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?

``Mentally deficient.''

---

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre doctor?

He signs his name under ``cause of death''.

---

Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and
strabismus?

The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese.

---

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: ``Doctor, when I
wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get
pregnant.''

``Evidently you don't breed in captivity.''

---

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologyst for a checkup. She seems to be
very embarassed and uncomfortable.

``Haven't you been examined like this before?'' asks the doctor.

``Many times,'' she giggles, ``but never by doctor.''

---

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the
screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says,
indignantly: ``Doctor, why didn't you undress too?''

---

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to
undress and lie down. She asks: ``But will you marry me?''

---

A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells
him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

``What does this have to do with my throat?''

``Nothing, I just hate the neighbors.''

---

A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: ``The operation will cost three
thousand dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife.''

---

During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: ``Doctor, this
is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep.''

---

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: ``How did that appendectomy go?''

``Appendectomy?'' shrieks the other. ``I though it was an autopsy!''

---

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: ``How did the operation go?''

``It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table.''

---

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed
by a Soviet emigre surgeon?

He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

---

``I'm treating a patient with a split personality,'' boasts a Soviet emigre
psychiatrist, ``and Medicaid pays for both of them!''

---

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office.

``You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six
months. Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?''

``Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetry.''

---

A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor.

``What's bothering you?''

``You charge Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out
yourself!''

``You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering
patients who can't tell.''


---

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's ofice and say: ``Doctor, we
would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?''

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on
top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says,
``Yes, you're having sex prpoperly. That will be forty dollars.''

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters
the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using
different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says, ``Why do you keep on coming back? I told
you you're having sex properly.''

The boy explains, ``The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way
we get reimbursed by Medicaid.''

---

A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells
terrible. The doctor examines him and says: ``Either stop biting your nails or
stop scratching your hemorroids.''

---

A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor
unblocks him with a pnemautic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a
cement bag in the future.

---

A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his
penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal decease and prescribes
antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there.
The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for
analysis. The lab reports: ``The lipstick can be removed with soap and water.''

---

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venerial
decease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient
goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would
probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also
doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is
indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre
doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V.D\null. Indeed, the Soviet
emigre doctor says: ``I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to
cut. Don't do anything. Two week later prick fall off by himself.''

---

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns
black. He runs to a doctor and asks: ``Doctor, is this some weird venerial
decease?''

``Worse,'' says the doctor. ``It's frostbite.

[Tal Inbar]

Brezhnev is driving in a fast car when he is overtaken by a chicken. A race ensues, at last Brezhnev gives up and seeing a nearby Biology Institute with people hanging around the gate smoking, goes to one of them and asks about the chicken. 'That is the result of Soviet genetic engineering' a scientist says proudly. 'But what was the purpose of creating such a chicken?' Brezhnev asks, perplexed. 'We wanted to make a tastier chicken.' 'Is it tastier?' 'No-one ever caught one to find out,' scientist says. 'But we know that the Soviet chicken is the world's fastest.'


A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook. "Do you have sausage?" "No." He makes a note. "Bread?" "No." He makes another note. "20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line. "No bullets either," he writes.


Four dogs -- Mexican, American, Polish, Russian -- are discussing their lives. The Mexican dog says, "the servants used to leave meat out for me, but now I have to bark for it." The American dog says, "you have servants in Mexico?" The Polish dog says, "they feed you meat?" The Russian dog says, "they let you bark?"


A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "they must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit." The Englishman says, "clearly, they're English; observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit." The Russian notes, "they are Russian, of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

An American and a Soviet soldier kill each other and end up at the pearly gates at the same time. Peter says" well, we have national division in hell as well, but you may choose where you'd like to go. There is an American hell and a Russian hell."
American: what's the difference? Peter: well, in the American hell you have to eat a shovel of **** a day.
Russian: and in Russian hell?
Peter: two shovels of ****.
American: I'll go to American hell.
Russian: well, two shovels of ****, it's not nice, but I was a Russian alive
and I died a Russian and I'll go to Russian hell.
Millenniums later, the same two soldiers end up doing sentry duty at the checkpoint at the border between American and Russian hell at the same time.Russian: Hi hi hi! How you doing! Long time no see! American: Hey! How are you, you look good!
Russian: how is it over there in American hell? American: oh, one shovel of **** a day, you get used to it. How about Russian
hell? Russian: well, you know how it is, one day there's no ****, the next day no shovels. . .

[Bryan]

Tal,
Those were great. If you have any more, please post them.

Bryan

[Sergey Tamayev]

Great jokes. I had them rolling in the aisle at the American Legion Post Friday night.

[Eugene]

What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

What did the Soviet people light their houses with before they started using candles? Electricity.

Heard in a Russian department store: Customer: Don't you have any shoes here? Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here. No shoes is one floor down.

Little Boy:
What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

A ranking politburo member is touring the farmlands in the country to see how this year's potato crop is coming. He approaches a farmer and asks him, "Comrade farmer, how large will the potato harvest be this year?"
The farmer replies, "The potato harvest this year will be so large that it will reach into the heavens!"
The politburo member states, "Comrade farmer, need I remind you that government policy states that there is no god, so therefore, there can be no heaven!"
Says the farmer with a big sigh, "Ah, comrade politburo member, I suppose you are right. And it is just as well...because this year there will be no potatoes."